Can a Codependent Relationship Become Healthy?

Many people assume that you can’t transform a romantic relationship if both partners are codependent.

It seems impossible when you’re triggering each other and fighting all the time.

I know what that vicious cycle feels like. I hated that feeling of powerlessness and loneliness in my own marriage.

In my research interviews, I met a few readers and listeners who wondered, “Can a codependent relationship become healthy?” People tend to believe there are only 2 choices—break up, or stay and tolerate the drama.

My story of transforming my codependent relationship seems to be an uncommon one. It’s often what attracts people to my work and I’m touched when others tell me, “Your story gives me hope.”

Though my story has a happy ending, I unfortunately can’t say that will be the case for everyone. It takes time and grueling work. There’s no sugarcoating when you reinvent an unhealthy relationship.

Keep reading to learn 3 tips that helped me salvage my codependent relationship and restore connection.

1) Get info and support

My husband Loïc and I took 10 years to thrive as a couple. Here’s what we wished we knew in the beginning:

Codependency is ultimately a dysfunctional relationship with yourself.

It’s often how we cope with feelings of abandonment in childhood. This relational pattern can also appear when you’re living with someone who has an addiction or caretaking someone who has a chronic illness.

Loïc and I didn’t know our situation had a name. We didn’t get professional support. Due to our traumatic childhoods, we always tried to figure everything out alone. Though I did sometimes call a dear friend.

So, learn about codependency and get support—on your own and/or with your partner.

One couple I worked with read a few paragraphs on codependency to each other daily. They’d discuss what the text evoked and reinforce their healing between sessions.

You might find these blog articles helpful:

I remember feeling humbled when I read about the signs of codependency: This perfectly describes me! How is this possible?

Suddenly, I got a glimpse of understanding that maybe—just maybe—our nasty arguments weren’t as personal as I had imagined. Perhaps our situation made sense, given our past experiences. We were just two small children, crying out for love and support.

They say, “Hurt people hurt others”. While that softened our armor a bit, we still feared being controlled by the other person. It wasn’t going to be easy to release that survival mechanism.

An intellectual understanding of codependency was a good step forward. But now our nervous systems needed to catch up…

2) Embrace stupid fights

Our arguments often looked like this:

He says something passive-aggressive
I retort a stinging remark
The fight explodes: we fling bombs at each other
I leave the room to calm down
We try to resolve the fight, but we’re still triggered, so we fling more bombs
Repeat for several hours
Finally, we validate each perspective and find common ground

Imagine waging that war countless times for years. Loïc and I painfully learned that trying to win a fight always leads to more suffering.

These stupid arguments shined a stark light on our unconscious fears and forced us to take responsibility for our part. If we wanted our love to thrive, we had to lower our weapons and collaborate.

“Love is the revolution in which we dismantle the prisons of our fear, building a world where our truths can stand naked and unashamed.” —Audre Lorde

During our drama, we wondered why we’d say such mean things. We knew it wouldn’t help, but a demon seemed to possess us.

Now we know that our nervous systems were simply dysregulated.

Our bodies enter survival mode when we get triggered. The amygdala, the part of our brain that manages the stress response, signals a cascade of adrenaline and cortisol. We’re ready to fight or flee in an attempt to protect ourselves.

At this moment, we have little access to our prefrontal cortex, the part of our brain in charge of empathy, logic and solutions-based thinking.

That’s why we yelled such awful things during fights!

This understanding helped us develop compassion, while owning our faults. Each dispute gifted us the opportunity to learn how to:

become aware of feelings in our body
ride out tough emotions
speak up when we feel upset
listen deeply
support our inner children
validate our feelings
bridge opposing perspectives
set and respect boundaries
cultivate love and acceptance
grow and evolve as human beings

Though it’s always uncomfortable to quarrel, Loïc and I feel grateful for our hard-won wisdom.

Now we get to enjoy our profound connection with each other!

3) Befriend yourself

Several clients have asked me, “What if your partner isn’t interested in working on themself?”

In that case, I always reply that when we work on ourselves, it often inspires others to do the same. Sometimes, the people around us change on their own as we release old wounds and empower ourselves.

That said, we must learn how to love ourselves—for our own sake.

A client wisely told me, “Whether or not I stay in this relationship, I need to heal my codependency. Otherwise, I’ll just experience the same thing in the next relationship.”

You can only rescue yourself. Partners can support one another, but each person has to walk their own path. And it may or may not include the other person in the future.

To heal codependency, it’s essential to stop finding our value outside of ourselves. We need to build a strong inner foundation of self-acceptance that will help us make aligned choices and create a joyful life.

I remember how refreshing it was to join a weekly sangha gathering to connect with other spiritual folks.

My relationship drained me and I had lost my sense of self. But the walking meditations gave me some respite from our heated conflicts.

As I inhaled the crisp air, caressed the lavender bushes and admired the majestic oak trees, I could feel my energy returning. I breathed a little easier. My shoulders relaxed and my center felt stronger.

People who are recovering from codependency tend to be extremely harsh with themselves. They overcommit and feel overwhelmed with responsibilities. It’s not easy to say yes to pleasure, relaxation and joy.

Would you want to be friends with yourself? How can you connect with yourself today? What’s one thing that you enjoy doing?

Now’s the time to learn how to treasure yourself.

Can a codependent relationship become healthy?

Yes, a codependent relationship can become healthy…

But both partners must be willing and committed to learn about codependency, release abandonment wounds, embrace the wisdom of conflicts and develop self-acceptance.

Sometimes, it’s not meant to be.

Loïc and I had no idea if our tremendous efforts would be fruitful. We trusted that if we progressed a bit after each setback, we’d get somewhere promising… if it’s the divine will.

There were many red flags in our relationship. And despite all odds, we transformed our shadows and unearthed the soulful love that awaited us.

If you’re struggling with your codependent relationship, and you’d like support with creating healthy love, I invite you to sign up for a free EFT session/interview. In exchange for your help with my market research, you’ll get a free EFT session to feel calm and clear.

If our session inspired you to work with me, we can schedule a free discovery call to make sure we’re a good fit.

I’d love to hear from you… What has been helping you and your partner restore connection? Let me know in the comments below!

Want some free support?

I’m offering free EFT Tapping sessions in exchange for a short interview via Zoom.

I enjoy connecting with other women and learning about their challenges related to confidence, boundaries and relationships.

In the first 15 minutes, I’ll ask questions like “How did you discover me?” for new content ideas. In the last 15 minutes, you’ll get an EFT session to feel calm and clear. (Yes, things can shift that quickly.)

This offer isn’t a discovery call, where we discuss my paid services. It’s a fun opportunity to connect and support each other!

If you feel inspired to work with me, we can book a free call to make sure we’re a good fit.

I look forward to connecting with you!